Ever since I was a little girl, my dream was to become a Mother. And not just in the way that you know that you want to have a family of your own one day, but in the way that I knew that it was my calling.
Growing up, it was literally my aspiration in every sense of the word. I took care of my dolls, feeding them, putting them to bed at night and waking up with them in the morning to do it all over again. I wrote "Mother" next to my career goals in my grade five yearbook. I was lovingly referred to "The Mama" in my close friend group. It has completely shaped who I am and what my business has become.
It wasn't until Solstice (June) of 2017 where I felt the deep ache in my womb, that it was my time now. I was attending a sisterhood retreat, when I got a call from my birth doula client that she was in labor. After spending the day with her at her birth, I returned to the retreat just in time for the closing salt bowl ceremony, where everyone had to state their intentions aloud of what they wanted to come to fruition. My head was cloudy and swimming from the birth I had just attended- I closed my eyes and thought deeply about what I wanted to call in. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a vial of Mugwort oil (an essential oil used to help strengthen labor contractions) that I used at the birth earlier. My womb ached and glowed- and I knew what was wanting to come through me.
But, it didnt. Months passed and my menstrual cycle come, breaking my heart a little each time. After 4 cycles, I decided to make an appointment with my colleague, Cynthia Hnatko, Naturopath, for a check up. I felt intuitively something was up with my body, specifically my thyroid. I asked her to run a blood panel. It was at this time that we discovered that indeed, something was wrong. My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was incredibly high, as were my antibodies. My progesterone and iron were tanked. My menstrual cycles suddenly were all over the place. I can honestly say my physical, mental and spiritual health was the lowest it had ever been. She referred me to Susan Prendergast where I received the diagnosis of Hashimoto's disease. The care provided by these two women was incredible. I am SO glad that I knew to work with them from the beginning, as I was presented with so many options. Having worked with women in the past with Hashimotos, I understood the allopathic and natural treatment protocols, how this disease affected so many parts of their life, especially their fertility.
The qoute "If you desire healing, allow yourself to become ill" perfectly sums up my experience with Hashimotos. I had been serving from an empty cup for quite some time, and burning the candle at both ends, grinding it out and taking on way too much workload. I am a huge believer that we are a byproduct of our environment, and with that, the stresses and pressures I had put on myself with my company, with the shame of not being able to get pregnant...I was buckling. I didnt share with friends or family what I had been going through, which in hindsight, made my experience more difficult because I felt so misunderstood. Finally, I decided that in December 2017, the best thing for my health was to focus on my healing, and so I took a sabbatical from December- March. All of that nourishing energy that I pour into my clients and into my potions, I poured into myself. During these 3 months, I implemented healing protocols that put my Hashimotos into near non existence and I was feeling amazing. Every blood panel was proof that a combination of diet, supplements, herbs- especially CBD- and dessicated natural thyroid (ERFA) could cure the "incurable" and I could truly heal myself. Throughout this time, we continued to try for our baby, and I dedicated myself to the Fertility Awareness Method, temping, checking cervical positioning and fluids to make sure everything was optimal. Everyday, I drew a fertility ritual bath,where I would listen to this conscious conception meditation. I read the reviews and purchased this meditation that all these women claimed helped them in their journey. This meditation was always the same. You are led down a street,into a park with a playground. You sit on the park bench and watch the children play. Then, there is supposed to be this part where a child, or multiple children will approach you - and supposedly, these are your children. I did this meditation daily for 3 months, and every time, no children.
Even though I was making so much progress with my hashimotos healing, this was hard. Really hard. I worked in the fertility feild for years! Why is this happening to me? Even though I knew from my experience that things can take time, sometimes years. I knew that the option of using medical assistance was there if I choose. I tried being patient. Acupuncture and talking things through really helped- this is where Danielle Peters from Ripple Effect Wellness comes in. This woman listened to me with an open heart and I always left her treatments feeling lighter and hopeful. It was this feeling that I had support and community and I wasnt alone on this journey. Working with acupuncture also led me to a woman named Tacie Kyle, a RMT who specializes in Mayan Abdominal Massage/Arvigo Therapy. I cant say enough amazing things about her- she spent nearly 2 hours with me reassuring me that everything was going to be fine, and made a few adjustments on my uterus to get it into optimal position (apparently my uterus was lazy! lol) When I was paying for my appointment I asked her when I should rebook and she said, I kid you not, "Ill never see you again because youll be pregnant soon!". I took it with a grain of salt, but that little comment gave me alot of hope.
So, I stopped tracking and worrying about it. I went about my life, knowing I would come back to it again in a few months where we could even talk about over other fertility options.
I started drinking my nightly glass of vino. I even enjoyed a few puffs of a high CBD strain called Charlottes Web, on top of my CBD oil regime, to help me relax. I continued with my diet (autoimmune paleo- if you were wondering!), supplements, and bi weekly acupuncture dates with Danielle.
Two weeks later, my period is 2 days late. I text one of my best girlfriends, Katie, telling her that Im feeling crampy and periody but she suggests to go get a pregnancy test anyway. Im heart sick at the thought of it, what if its just another negative? And then I was back in the headspace I was at last month? I was in denial. I thought I should take some Evening Primrose capsules to help ease my cramps, but then as I put them into my mouth, my gut feeling is telling me to spit it out...and get your ass to the store to get the test.
